Kim Jong Il's Gonna Blow Up the World

The Cutest Little Bugger

2009-07-26T18:01:00.001-07:00

Having a child has been the most unique experience of my life. It feels like whole weird cocktail of emotions. Suddenly, nothing in the world seems important; not school, work, eating, sleeping, etc. The only exception has been sports. I took the opportunity to watch half of the Chelsea/ Club America game. Back to the topic, I haven't wanted to do anything but just watch her sleep and wait for her to open her eyes. I love doing all the things I thought would be annoying and gross like changing diapers, burping her, bathing her, etc. It may wear off, but I'm really enjoying fatherhood right now. Here is a video and some pictures:

Prank Phone Calls

2009-07-04T00:12:00.000-07:00

I got started watching some prank calls last night on youtube. I just wanted to share some of my favorites. Also, I included the video that is this blog's namesake. It's Frank Caliendo impersonating Charles Barkley with the TNT crew.

Transformers 2: The $200 M Terd

2009-07-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

Last night, Summer and I saw Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. If you checked out the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, you probably saw that the general consensus was that it was a stupid, loud, long movie. Usually, I don't trust the critics because I'm more easily entertained than they are. However, this time they were spot on. After seeing the movie, it was crystal clear who Michael Bay's target audience is.

I've never seen or heard so many fart jokes, small creatures humping, and pointless sexuality. Suddenly, all the autobots are swearing, the mom is swearing and eating ganga brownies. Movies like The Dark Knight and IronMan show that you don't need those stupid teen movie elements to be an insanely profitable film. Michael Bay is really good at falling way short of a movie's potential. He has got to be the worst big budget director of our time. Absolutely has to be. You don't need $200 M to make a movie saturated with fart jokes and junior high humor.

Michael Bay, I am hereby officially labeling you a butt-hole.

For a good laugh, read this "Rejected Michael Bay script for The Dark Knight"

Don't expect these to be regular.

2009-06-29T22:28:00.001-07:00

I've created a lot of material on the internet just on a whim in my life time: apt331.blogspot.com, flannelmonkeys.8m.net, and a plethora of band websites. Today, I decided to continue in that tradition in creating a new blog. What am I going to blog about? I wrote this question about 10 minutes ago and still haven't come up with an answer. My wife has a blog about our family but it has a sissy border and cute little widgets and gidgets and gadgets on it. I can't blog about my man stuff on there. It's too embarrassing. Maybe I want to talk about my new man thing and the picture of it is surrounded by a floral design? No, never...

For example, I got this Masai club from Africa.

My Dad and brother went on a safari trip in Kenya and Tanzania and met some Masai people who sell there wares to visiting tourists. Some of the guys doing their jumping dance were wearing Nikes. They sure like to jump. I guess all the dudes have these clubs for whacking their wives and kids. Below is a picture of a Masai man holding one of these clubs in his right hand. You can buy your own here. Definitely a very manly item.

I tried to kill this spider I found on our bedroom wall with my club but was unsuccessful. I ended up pulling my bedroom apart trying to kill it with a round object while it was hiding in the corner. Obviously a stupid idea. I switched to a steak knife and got the job done.

I want to talk about something else now: celebrity mortality. Maybe they are dying of global warming and maybe it's ego cancer; I don't know. All I know is they are all dying. I guess Michael Jackson's autopsy came back with some surprising results. It was actually food poisoning that killed him. The pathologist said Michael had been eating 10 year-old nuts.

My mom made this shrine in our garage for Michael, Farrah, and Ed.

She took all this news pretty hard. The funniest part is that this mason who is building a base thing for my dad's new grill walked into the garage for a drink and my mom entered the garage soon after and saw the guy high-tail it out of the garage to avoid an awkward moment. Hilarious. She never would go tell him it's a joke so I guess he'll be telling stories about how he did a job at this lady's house who really really liked Michael Jackson.

Billy Mays died suddenly. I used to think of ways I could payback Billy Mays for his torturous infomercials with his own products like the Awesome Auger, Mighty Putty, Hercules Hook, Mighty Mendit, Samurai Shark, etc. I just wouldn't know whether to use Zorbeez or a Shamwow to clean up the mess. In retrospect, I feel bad about it all. He seemed like a nice man. My friend Ben thinks he's selling Oxiclean to the angels.

Wow, that brings up another grating pitchman: Vince Offer, the pitchman for Shamwow. He contorts his neck in such unnatural ways. I want to SlapChop his face. He was recently arrested for beating up a hooker claiming she bit his tongue and wouldn't let go. Maybe he'll start selling remedies for STD's. I could fix his problem with the SlapChop.

Well, my friends. I must give it a rest.